This article is about using the many Google sites and applications to get yourself a girl and get yourself laid. In it we’re going to use a guy called Johnny McCool. Johnny is a 22 year old Internet nerd. He works as a programmer with some megacorp, went straight from the computer labs in college to the cubicle farm. He needs to get out more and he needs a girlfriend.
1. Google Search
a) Getting yourself found.
b) Profiling the person
Getting yourself found.
The Google search engine is a very powerful way of getting yourself found. A good way to get yourself found is to create your own website with lots of details about yourself on it. Or rather lots of untrue crap that you hope some girl will find appealing. Since Johnny McCool is using his real name then it makes sense for him to register JohnnyMcCool.com. To get yourself found you will need to structure your site in such a way as to make it “search engine friendly”. This means a few things such as figuring out what words you want people to use when they search for you and then seeding your webpages with those search terms. Further to this, the more you update the site, the more Google will visit and the higher up in search results you’ll be. Google rewards you for fresh content. Therefore set up a blog on your site.
Now, it would also be good to create content that women like and use this as the honeypot to get them to your site. Have lots of links on every page to your profile on networks such as Orkut (more below), have lots of good pictures of yourself (see the piece on Picasa below) and have contact details for you readily available. Think of articles such as “Why as a man I think it is ok to cry” and “I can be tough but emotional at the same time”. Don’t forget to sprinkle with trigger phrases such as “modern man” “strong but sensitive”. Don’t go too far though, or your male friends might beat you up .. in Second Life.
Profiling the person
Profiling is researching someone so you are better informed on how to woo them. Woo, not stalk. It’s a thin line folks but a line nonetheless. Google will allow you to search forums, sites and blogs for people looking for their ideal man. It is best to search for phrases with the names of local places so that you don’t have to travel 100s of miles to meet women.
As well as finding specific women, you can also use Google to find out what women want. A few simple google phrases will deliver you lists of things they want in a perfect mate. There are 1000s of websites out there devoted to women saying what they look for in a man. Go Google them.
2. Google AdWords
Google AdWords allow you to advertise on search results pages and on the 100s of 1000s of websites that run Google Ads. You only pay when someone clicks on your ad. This means that if someone is searching for something you can choose to have an ad appear for that search phrase. Johnny McCool can have an ad for his website JohnnyMcCool.com
when someone searches for the phrase: Does mr. right exist? and when the results page appears, the ad will be on the right hand side:
3. Google Mail and Google Talk
Finding someones gmail is easy enough nowadays and with Google making us all be adult and use firstname.lastname style combinations it should be easy to guess the email addreses of people you’d like to date. GMail and GTalk conversations are stored in your GMail account too so it is very easy to search over past conversations to “remember” what her interests are.
But the important thing about GMail is that it is a conduit to open a chat window with the person thanks to the full integration with Google Talk. You got her GMail then you can chat with her. Always have another browser window open with search results for her name and another window with search results for “non-schmaltzy chat-up lines”. Get charming.
4. Google Video
She found me because I was viral.
Years back Ze Frank created a video on how to dance properly. It soon got passed all around the Internet and made him famous for a while. You too could do the same. Stick your gmail address and website address into the video so you can be found and contacted.
Or you could do what famous Sligo Tourism Representative Aine Chambers did and talk about something like tourism while highlighting all your own best features. Here’s Aine: 
You just need to be creative. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you were, right? Thought so. So instead, create a video of you saving whales or helping old ladies across the road. Again stick your email address and website url into the video. Maybe include a few videos of you shedding some tears. Women love to see emotional men. But they also like jerks. So also have a video showing you can be a total asshole.
5. Google Alerts
You’re going to piss women off. It happens when you are unskilled in the woman-dating game. It’s ok. However, it would be good to know who is pissed off and writing about you online. Thanks to Google Alerts you can get email alerts when anything new is found by Google with the search criteria you set. But don’t stop at your name. Also have searches for potential dates by including names of Girls you’ve found on Google. As well as that include the names of the bars and clubs in your city, town, village, truck stop so that if someone mentions they were out clubbing at “The Dancing Donkey” last night, you’ll know about it. Alerts help you to find local people. It might be good too to just have a Google Alert to notidy you if the local stalking laws in your area get updated. Just saying, is all.
6. Google Maps
Well Johnny is a nerd and a man. There’s no need to go the extra mile and email her the Google map. She’ll make it there by asking for directions if she gets lost. Yes, that’s what women do. Really. Google it if you don’t believe it. Arranging dates and finding locations using Google Maps is a good idea. Knowing where she lives or roughly and then using Google Maps to pick a nearby restaurant and bar is a better idea. That way you can walk her home and maybe just maybe she’ll invite you in for a coffee.
Also make sure the places you go and her place are not near your place. While you are happy to go to he place, you do not want her to be horrified if she visits your lair. All the cartoon posters and pizza boxes might put her off. Women also don’t like Thundercats bed sheets. Additionally, if it all goes pear shaped and she takes out that court order saying you are not to be within 400 feet of her, it would cut down on the embarassing moments when you bump into her in the local grocery store.
7. Google’s Orkut.
Another social networking site. Orkut is ancient Brazilian for “place to find people who will have sex with you”. This is why Orkut is full of Brazilians.
Like all other social-networking aka cruising sites, you can take other parts of the Google dating plan and integrate them into this. Use your google email, google talk, use the “improved” photos from Picasa and link to your soft and bastard videos.
8. Google Calendar
You need a central place to remember the birthdays and times you are meeting the girls. Yes, girls. Plural. There’ll be more than one. Google is so powerful it turns you into a player. In fact, it’s even more powerful than that and you can go from a player to a playa. No, we don’t know the difference either. Thanks to the Google Calendar you can keep track of all of the dates and all of the times. Thanks Google!
9. Google Mobile
So you’re on the date and she is the well educated type. She uses big words like symbolic, quasi-judicial and laudable. Under the table just text Google Mobile and ask what she is on about.
Unfortunately the profiling with Google search won’t reveal everything about your date so Google Mobile will allow you to find out the name of that pansy poet she mentioned that she likes and you can quote from his poems and make it look like you’re quoting it from memory. She may also talk about current affairs and so not knowing anything outside of World of Warcraft and Dungeons and Dragons, you can google for that, right there from your phone.
10. Google Picasa
Google Picasa can be used for creating pictures of Johnny McCool which are very complimentary. Picasa is a quality picture/photo editing tool that Google provides for free.
It allows Johnny to take his existing photo of himself:
And improve it with no glasses, bluer eyes, blonder hair and bigger muscles:
11. Google Base
Google base is like the spare room in your house. Any and all kinds of shit are stored in there. Google sticks a search engine onto the front of it and will hire more PhDers to figure out what the fuck to do with the mess that is Google Base. It’s really like a Flea Market except you can also sell your soul to get some hole. Yes, Google Base allows personals. If you don’t like seeing naked pics of people then don’t click that … pointless finishing the sentence since you’ve left already with the naked promise. Just like Orkut, Google Base can be used to store your personal profile but it can also be used to store other content you create like podcasts and videos and pictures.
That’s all for now
These are just a few of the ways that you can get laid with the help of Google. There are many more and as time allows we’ll add more to them. Feedback appreciated.
Mulley you are a very, very scary man…
Damien, I think you should be charging for this kind of advice. I’m sure it could make you a fortune in America.
[…] Damien Mulley is handing out relationship advice […]
A very comprehensive guide. Thank you.
How the hell did *you*, of all people, discover/research this…? Or is it “adapted” (ahem)? 😉
EWI: All my own work. This is how I spent my Sunday. And yes, you can swap it for other preferences.
Very good – but I hope you write part II – how Google can make you a better stalker.
Brilliant!! I love it… (Treasa’s right though, you should charge for this advise!)
[…] boy, Damien Mulley is crossing the politically correct line with his insightful guide called “How to use Google to get a girl.” I bet this gets 1,400 Diggs within three hours. Filedunder: Google, blogging @ 4:49 pm # […]
Was I supposed to slit my wrists after watching that Sligo video?
Also, that blonde gal in the Orkut montage is none other than Marissa Mayer.
lol, goodwork, though a subtitle should probably be
stalker 101: How to use google to stalk.
Stunning…simply stunning (and very very very scarey).
So you putting in for an early entry for the Irish contribution to the blogosphere Award?
google base. is that like MTV base. used to show video’s / used to do search before the advertising got in the way.
Save money man!
The Google Adwords may become expensive in the long run because you get lots of traffic and has to pay for it. Therefore I suggest phrasing the ad text like this: “Only busty blonde females 20-25 please”, that way you discourage 25+ and flat chesties to click and save money!
Seems like a killer application for “cost per action” Adwords… 🙂
Web 2.0 is mass market, Web 3.0 is the transformation of Industries in the long tail.
Techcrunch profiled 13 dating sites today.  It reminds me just how far ahead of the pack I am, if you add all the other 12 dating sites profiles together excluding googlebase you will get close to the number of users currently logged into plentyof…
[…] Google Base (TechCrunch profiles here) allows users to enter personal profiles highly targeted towards dating (fields include gender, marital status, sexual orientation, etc.). Other features include labels (tags), a short description, location mapping, and an anonymous email to be reached at. So far, the personals section has been primarily used as a personals aggregator for Hot or Not and FindingSingles.com, a consequence of the mass upload feature. Also, for a bit of humor, check out this post by Damien Mulley on how to use Google to get laid. […]
That’s something like Will Smith’s ‘Hitch’
this is a nice info i hope theres also info on women…
Damien my friend, you rock. And that Aine is a fine looking woman. Do you have her phone number by any chance?
How to use Google to get a girl and get laid
This article is about using the many Google sites and applications to get yourself a girl and get yourself laid.
Brilliant.
[…] gStalk – D Mulley rides again. […]
Very good Damien! Funny enough though I’d rather remain a barren spinster than go through that google process, particularly the “sell your soul to get some hole” part (lovely turn of phrase btw!!
ROFL GREAT post!! 🙂
I’m using Google, laid and girls in my blog title
EirePreneur came up with a winning formula to drive your blog stats up the wall. Supposedly using the words “Google” “girls” and “laid” in your blog title is the secret of success.
Wondering where exactly he was going with this I clicked thr…
nice guide to Google
*sound of head exploding*
Every time that sligo heifer’s videos play, the baby jesus cries.
In relation to the hunting, whatever happened to the simple ‘have that hunky hurler washed and sent to my room’?
What a bizarre way to spend your day. Shouldn’t you be getting yourself banned from forums like a normal person?
[…] to use Google to get a girl and get laid…Funny funny stuff!!!! | Add To Del.icio.us | Digg This | RelatedStuff […]
Should have mentioned ebay. When i typed “how to get laid” into google.co.uk, one of the sponsored links was “Get F[**]ked Fantastic low prices here. Buy It. Sell It. Love It. eBay. http://www.ebay.co.uk” Sounds promising. I’m off there now…
[…] I saw this story and just had to laugh all the way through it. Literally, its a tongue-in-cheek take on the average geek (that’s me) using virtually all the Google services (still me) to get a girl. Besides being entertaining, it makes me wonder just how much of that stuff will work. I think I’ll have to look into the AdWords idea, though. […]
Lol, great way to review the products ahhaaha
Well wasn’t it always “Go Ogle”…?
Don’t diss SecondLife! It rocks your world!
None of my male friends have beaten me up in SL….
[…] Damien Mulley writes This article is about using the many Google sites and applications to get yourself a girl and get yourself laid. […]
Wouldn’t it just be faster to use google checkout and uh… buy one?
Holy cow, another blogger with way too much time on his hands…..
I guess it is good for your ratings though
Try to come up with something a little more interesting and original next time
See, i knew you had it in you!
Much better……. LOL
I hope whoever tries this will post the results on the web.
Damian Damian Damian. After the blog post of the year I see.
[…] My generally crappy self, however, tells me to chuck all the dating sites, tread the road less travelled, and give my Diggs to Irish blogger Damien Mulley’s “How to use Google to get a girl and get laid.” Now that is priceless. […]
umm I believe the term that should be used in reference to the article is using goole to chase the
“long tail”
[…] With today’s mature web and powerful search engines, it’s nice to find that you can still walk an interesting path of links from one article. This dating site roundup from Digg included links to an amusing piece on using the almighty Google for dating. It also explains, “PlentyOfFish started as a way for Markus Frind to teach himself ASP” and revealed that he has a Web 2.0-oriented blog. […]
[…] Googleçš„æ?œç´¢æœ?务的确”抄袔的出类拔è?ƒ, 但其它模仿动作还ä¸?仅人æ„?, 虽说如æ¤, 但ä»?å?¯åœ¨ä¸€äº›é¢†åŸŸç‹¬é¢†é£Žéªš, 例如:泡妞ç‰ç‰, 呵呵… […]
[…] Am I the only one out here who hadn’t heard of Second Life before today? Or, if I did hear about it, I forgot about it right away. But today I saw it in two different places: first the linked-from-everywhere thing about how to get laid with Google, which, frankly, wasn’t nearly funny enough to be on the del.icio.us popular list where I saw it. Or to get him 18,000 visitors, as it apparently did. I guess it’s just that sex sells, no matter if it’s good enough to warrant it. […]
Damn! I’ve been spending all my time trying to figure out how to get laid on Yahoo…
[…] Many thanks to Susan Mernit for Damien Mulley’s how to get laid via Google. […]
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